Your Journey of You is like Archeology. You don’t use a bulldozer to rip up your life and uncover your true self. You patiently brush off the layers of NOT YOU. And then, sure enough, sooner or later, there you are! Like a diamond in the dirt.
But what happens if you get surprised by what you find? That happened to me yesterday. I uncovered a part of me that I didn’t expect. It was scary at first… like my whole identity fell off. Who I knew myself to be was NOT ME. The person I THOUGHT was me is just another layer – a very crusted stuck-on layer of dirt.
And the ME underneath? My real self is very much like my Dad.
Let me explain. In my old story, to “be like my Dad” was a horrible curse. I left home at age 18, thinking that my folks were all nuts, and I sure didn’t want to be like them! I spent the rest of my life being as UNLIKE my family as I possibly could. I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. But I lost myself in the process.
Then I went on a Journey to remember who I am.
I began to suspect last year that I was (shudder) “like my Dad.” The very thought shook me like a rumbling earthquake. The summer evening I first had the thought, I was awake most of the night. I went for a walk in at midnight, and started singing out loud every song I remembered my Dad used to sing. I laughed and cried as I remembered his JOY of living, his generous heart, his Good Samaritan acts of kindness, funny stories, how much I love him.
As the buried memories came pouring out. I thought, “Wow, I am like that amazing man, Vinnie Lategano.” That night, a funny, happy me started waking up and peeking out.
Since then, I brushed off many layers of old beliefs, silence and shame. The Real Me began to show up. That’s the Me that is a Limitless Gladiator, dances ballet, makes funny videos and sings like Jimmy Durante.
But yesterday, another big chunk of NOT ME fell off. A layer of protection and defense and hiding cracked apart and fell off like old clay. And in that moment, I was STUNNED! For all these years, I thought I WAS organized, orderly, on time, detail oriented, efficient and precise.
Yesterday, I saw that “Organized Felicia” was my elaborate defense and very successful strategy. And underneath that is a mind that would be labeled ADHD, if I was in the school system today. My mind is bursting with a million ideas, and is so easily distracted that I would float away like a helium balloon without my lists, charts, schedules, and sticky notes to anchor me to earth.
I was truly shocked. And for a day I wondered, do I REALLY want to unleash the Real Me? What ELSE will I learn? Is it SAFE to let the Real Felicia loose?
Life with my family was chaotic, full of drama, cars breaking down, tears and fears, soaring highs and deadly lows, even mental illness, sorrow, hospitals… Do I want to risk THAT to find the Real Me? Can I do that?
The answer from my heart is YES. No matter what. I love and accept myself. I have gained the tools to live and to thrive. I have support. I am not alone anymore. This time, when I open the dark closets, I have NEW beliefs in place of the old beliefs about silence, shame and needing to hide.
Just in time, I decided to love and accept my family just as they are. I see the greatness in them. I see their magnificent capacity to love, their gifts and talents. My healing came just in time, as I now see that I never left my family after all. That I AM like them. And I can love myself.
Or perhaps it is the other way around. I could not see myself until I could love my family.
JOY Principle: I love and accept ALL people, and that includes me. The Real Me brings Joy to my life.
Love, Felicia
Post #11 23 Nov 2016
